Joy

Joy

Suggested by: Lizzie Bourne

I live too much in my own thoughts. The negativity sneaking it's way in to the odd corners of my mind, strategically releasing it's toxins in the most inconvenient of moments. That invisible monster, rear itself back and delivering its mighty roar, disrupting me mid-thought, and throwing my life off balance. I stop what I'm doing. Why am I even here?

A pinprick of light flashes out of the corner of my eye. I turn, searching for the source of the distraction, but am cut off. The monster grumbles from deep within me, wriggling now to get back into a comfortable position. I turn back around, the light all but forgotten. I shelter myself from it, doing whatever I can to quell the monster inside, soothing it back into a lull. 'It's not worth it,' I tell myself, and I put my head down, living with the weight of grievance and pain that I feel that I deserve; the monster doing whatever it can to keep it balanced on top of me. 

The light flashes again, brighter and more penetrating this time. Curious, I turn again, ignoring the protests from deep down. Movement behind the crowd; I see the flash again, burst brighter than before. I rise from my stool and go after the light, thinking it might lead me out from the darkness. The monster resists, as if it knows there is something out there, waiting. I feel the poison coursing harder through me, throwing doubt on this little adventure. Is it worth it? But I can feel the warmth emanating from the flash of light now which gives me hope. I press forward.

I see the light turn the corner, so I follow. The monster now, through all of it's might at me, trying to pull me back, deafening my thoughts with it's mighty roar, pounding on my chest. I see the flash again and turn in it's direction, racing off to get to the source. I'm in the center of the labyrinth now; the monster growing to it's fullest height, trying one last time to force me back. I come face to face with the light; it's brilliance, mesmerizing. With one sharp look that penetrates deep into my soul, I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time; hope, love, and care.

The monster roars, though it's quieter than it once was. As we stare into each others' eyes, I can feel the weight topple from my shoulders. The blackness that has been attacking my thoughts recedes with every pulse of light emanating from your smile. When you say those first words, my mind ignites, charging the negativity, balancing my thoughts, helping me to focus on things previously lost to the madness within me.

There is a wimper deep inside me, but not one of pain or deprecation. The monster releases its toxins one last time, but not that of hurtfulness or flagellation. I can feel its cry of longing rush through me, having found the warmth needed to finally put it to rest. My chest, lighter than it has ever felt before, stirs within me the courage to take my life back, all because of you. 

So this is what it is like to feel happy again.